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Writings

The things I do hear, the things I do say.
The things I want to hear, the things I want to say.

~His last Words

January, 2018

Hey buddy, It's been a long time since we last spoke. Life, you know how it is, all these responsibilities all the work, none of us really has the time for each other. I loved the way we used to be in school, we were there everyone was and we used to enjoy so much all those walks after class, taking each other's case, teasing our romeo with his new girlfriend's name and going around trying to do new things which mostly resulted us standing in front of our house master, I so wanna go back to them. But now, it's gone just disappeared, it's like a void which no one can ever fill. There are people, people whom I live with, people whom I am friends with but people I barely know, I barely understand. They scare me, this whole thing scares me, I don't know who to talk to, I don't know who to trust here, I don't know who to rely on. Because every time I do, I end up hurt, I end up humiliated, I end up alone. I don't even know what I want anymore, I don't even know why am I here. I feel as if I am lost or at least the purpose I was living for is. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to be free, not chained up like this, chained up by all these watching eyes with those knives, bloody from the backs they have stabbed. These eyes, they scare me, I never used to care about what people think of me back then but back then, it was different, because I had you, i had my people, the ones that were there, that were my friends and that's when I knew that I could conquer the world with you because your eyes never chained me your knives were blunt in for me, but now here I stand, alone, that void, ever so deep, grows bigger, that distrust, ever so powerful, becoming unfathomable. Hey, I am scared today, but it's the last time because I know, you can't come back to me.

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The days I left behind

May, 2018

I remember you calling our talks your therapy,
I remember you saying that I understand your pain.
I remember how you cried on the phone when you were sad,
I remember so much, I don't know where to begin.

I thought, I was your silver lining.
The sunshine, in your rains.
But now I hear your muffled voice.
Telling me, to not bother you again.

I remember, you laughing with me
I remember, your dancing mane
I remember, your eyes shining for me
I remember, you taking my name.

And now it's faded,
Just like your scent on my shirts
Getting weaker by the day
And trust me on this babe, cause we both know..

That scent doesn't come again.

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Yours truly

June, 2017

Aah, so we are finally here my love. Thanks a lot, cause I know I couldn't have had reached where I am today without you. Would you believe that I am so overflowing with emotions right now that I am actually standing on this old wooden chair, yeah, the one with those fragile legs, but of course you know, no matter what happens today I won't fall. Well to be honest the chair is actually dangling a bit. I am so grateful to have you in my life, in my soul, in my world.Where would have I been if not for you. Making me work harder, see things differently, find new ways to make money, all for your love. Ah, my mom was never happy with our relationship, I don't know why, but she obviously had to vanish soon after she blamed you for cheating on me. I of course knew that my mom was just taking out her frustration by telling me this. Why did she have to come to my room in the middle of the night to tell something so unimportant? Was it because you had to Abort our child cause you wanted to avoid all those pains and issues during pregnancy? Or maybe she was finally fed up with the burn marks you left on her hand everyday? I don't really know, but, I agree that it was unnecessary she is the one that could never live while I was happy so I took a decision and decided that my happiness was very important and besides she was already decorated with wrinkles. And yes, I truly became happy, all thanks to you. And that's why there is no one in the world I trust more than you, Didn't I transfer all my money, assets and property in your name the day you asked me to prove my love? I know my brother made a huge scene back then, but who is he, a 15 year old kid to say anything about you. How can he understand how deep our love is how strong our bond is? Even his neck wasn't that strong. Little imp. But then again I am happy and I am finally here. Although this room is a bit messy and I know you hate being untidy But please, do bear with me this once. Like I did when you strangled that maid cause you thought I was eyeing her, I still swear I wasn't. Don't worry about the room I want to ignore it for today and besides these blood stains are too hard to remove and the dustbin is already filled with your lover's organs and I really don't want to see you two crumpled the way you were when I entered the room today. That sight was something really disgusting. Don't know why my boss gave me a sudden day off; did he wish me to see this scene? Old fart, always doubted you; no wonder his kids never came back from the school. But we aren't here to talk about them, we are here to talk about you and me, us. Our love, our memories and our experiences. Ooh, I love your aura, your smell, your taste to the extent that I literally licked my hands clean! how could I even live a moment without doing that, not to mention blood makes everything lubricated. And now that we are here, I might add I think I look good in my wedding suit although this thingy around my neck seems a bit tight but I look good in this. I swear I love your choices and tastes.This chair seems to wobble a lot more than it used to, but don't worry I won't fall, even if this chair does because as my mom used to say I always have had a support from above.
My love, thanks again for everything.

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Ye Pal

September, 2017

Ye pal, sapno ki tarah hi to hote hai,
Aur hum, in sapno ke liye hi to jeete hai.
Ek choti si muskaan aa jati hai, in yado se.
Saalo baad bhi Chaar bate ho jati hai, un yaaro se.
Ye pal, sapno ki hi tarah to hote hai,
Aur hum, in sapno ke liye hi to jeete hai.

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Log: June 1,2017

July, 2017

My son finally came back from college today. I was so happy to see him after 6 long months, it was his first semester in college so thank fully he didn't have to go for any internships and came back as soon as the holidays started. His mother and I were so happy to see him after all this time, though we were really concerned at first seeing his drastically reduced weight but his merry face and happy stories about his college and the events there were enough to shove it off our heads. He spent that evening with her, telling his mother all about his friends, the food and the college, she later did mention that there was a small part about some girl he liked or something but didn't stress on it, so. I thought that it was probably a college crush of his, something that would have really concerned me if it wouldn't have happened. Later he went to his room but oddly locked the door, I don't remember him ever doing that before but probably a new habit and obviously a 19 year old needs his privacy.

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Log: June 2, 2017

July, 2017

He slept the whole day, I mean, the whole day God knows what they make this poor soul do out there to become so tired. He did come for his meals tho, bit was very silent and looked absolutely tired, on asking he just laughed off the topic by saying that he was trying to recover his energy, we didn't press much on it, if he wanted to share something he obviously would.

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Log: June 5,2017

July, 2017

I went to his room today, his mother has been very concerned about his inactivity. I did try to calm her down by saying that college students generally are like this, but she does feel that something is wrong with him. Heart in heart I too felt the same but refrained myself from saying mentioning it to her lest I increase her worries. But by going into his room it were my concerns that were raised, seeing his switched off laptop, unset bed and most off all the dead AC. He hadn't switched on the AC in this 45 degree temperature and was covered in sweat. On asking he just said that he switched it off at night because he felt cold and woke up just now plus he wanted to save money on the electricity bill. I did ask him if everything was alright with him and if he wanted to share something we are always there for him, he was quite for a while but instead of saying anything, he just smile at me and said that he loved me. That really made my concerns reach a new height, but later in the evening he joined me for my daily Golf game and went out to meet some of his local friends at night bringing his mother and me to a state of peace.

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Log: June 7,2017

July, 2017

We have been going out for golf every day now, he has a love for this sport since the very beginning and got back in touch with it just in two days, I was really happy seeing him compete with not just me, but also my other colleagues. Today being a rather humid day, I stopped at the 8th hole and sent my Caddy along with him to complete all 16 holes, he does that everyday I was just enjoying my drink in the club house as Mr Verma suddenly started chatting out of the blue, he's generally a quiet person and mostly doesn't make small talk with anyone but I really like his him as a person and never mind a good chat. He asked me about my Son, about his college and his friends, I did tell him as much as I could keeping in mind my son's privacy, I can't obviously tell everything to everyone now, can I. We saw my son approaching from the other side and Mr Verma got off his chair and bid me farewell but suddenly stopped in his steps, turned around and said, "I hope I'm not intruding your private matters but I think you should see your son's left arm once". I was really taken aback with his sudden piece of advice and could only shake my head in response to it, no sooner did he leave, my son took his seat and I ordered him a blue lagoon, his favourite, and started chatting with him. We left for home as soon as he finished his drink but today I asked him to drive, he passed his test last year but had been driving since his feet could reach the accelerator so I wasn't concerned about his driving at all, what I was concerned about was what Mr Verma said about his left hand and to be honest, there wasn't a better chance to glance at it, without making him uncomfortable. We kept our kit, sat in the car, he turned on the ignition and we were zooming on the highway, under the context of a normal conversation I was inspecting his hand, but saw nothing that would worry me. We reached home very soon and I was cursing Verma in my heart while climbing up the front staircase I slipped over some water on the stairs and lost my balance and fell, thankfully face forward. My son heard the thud of me falling along with my kit and came running shirtless from his room to help me up. He gave me a hand, my ankle was sore so he helped me up the remaining stairs and helped me on to the bed. He asked me if I were fine, I said yes, but didn't have the courage to ask him how did he happen to have all those blade marks on his biceps along with a "Am I?" carved in between.

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Log: June 8,2017

July, 2017

Despite the display of my ability to jump around and work, I was taken to the doctor, my wife would obviously take none of it and thus we ended up spending a precious morning in a doctor's cabin. He gave me a crape bandage and prescribed me some painkillers in case I have some pain at night but otherwise, I was fit as a horse, thanks to my healthy routine. I still hadn't collected enough guts to ask him about his arms nor did my wife let me. I was given a lecture on personal safety and not being absent minded the whole morning and a few comments every now and then she was very angry at me being so absent minded, but considering my age and how much she actually loved me, it was totally understandable. All this brought a huge smile on my son's face another reason I didn't have any reason to mind it. I didn't tell her about his scars considering her already foul mood lest she takes it all out on the poor boy for harming his body.

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Log: June 12,2017

July, 2017

It was a usual day, I came back from office, had lunch with everyone, my son had come back to a more humane routine ending most of my worries and my wife finally got over the staircase incident. I had planned to ask my son about those scars in the golf course, but almost as if he had read my mind he was not at all in a mood for golf toady, so we stayed back and he locked himself up in his room. I thought that enough was enough and those scars were not something I should just let go. So I mustered up all my courage and went to his room to ask him about it, I had to knock a few times before he opened his door and let me in. His room was clean, very clean and his laptop was open I saw his university's web page open on it with a few announcements and events. No Facebook? I thought. To be honest I hadn't ever seen him being much active on the social networks anyway, he was more of a, hug and make friends kind of person, so I wasn't very alarmed. My gaze shifted, and he was already on his bed face towards the wall, the AC made the room quite comfortable, way more than when I had entered earlier. I near his bed, pulled a stool out and started caressing his hair, he didn't respond to my touch, so I wondered if he went back to sleep, he didn't go for golf so I guessed that he was probably tired. Just as I was about to lean and check his state he suddenly said, "Dad, would you mind if I get a tattoo made on my hand". That question was as weird as it could get and took me suddenly, On asking him as to why why he wanted a tattoo suddenly he said "Just cause, everyone is getting one now a days anyway". I told him that I personally was against tattoos or any sort of thing but he could have one if he really wanted to, I thought that he would probably make them on his left arm, tho hide the scars and now that he did mention about body altering, I asked finally asked him about the scars. He suddenly turned around and said that they had a cat in the hostel who did that to him, a atrociously obvious lie. I was generally the type of parent who would never pursue a matter if my child didn't want to talk about it but not in this case, now that I had already prepared myself so much to bear the truth, how could I leave the room with a lie. He didn't answer me for a very long time and blankly stared at his laptop, he finally looked at me and said, "A man often has worries he doesn't wish to share with others, this is one of them. Please respect my decision and let me be with it". Those words were too big for even me to say, let alone a 19 year old but after something like that, how could I possibly ask him about it again. So I messed up his hair a bit and stood up to leave. As I was exiting, I herd him saying "You are a very good person, dad. Not just as a parent but also as a human being. Thanks for understanding me". I didn't turn around, I was really touched by his words and equally concerned about him now but all I could do then was live with my worries.

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Log: June 14,2017

July, 2017

The greatest shortcoming a human can ever have is the one he regrets all his life. For me, it is probably the lack of understanding, understanding people, their emotions, their needs because if so, I could have acted a bit faster. My boss's wife had joined the half century club today, so not only did we have an office holiday but also a party invite. To be honest I was quite uninterested, not just because the venue was a bit far from home but also because my son absolutely refused to go, he had been in a very grim mood today. It almost took all of my best puns to lighten up that smile on his face, not to mention that he wasn't even coming to the dining room at first. He wanted to stay back today, said that he had some college related work today, I thought that it was useless to pursue him anymore so I might as well RSVP my boss and tell him that I can't come, I would loose some brownie points but it was better than leaving him alone in the house. My boss on the other hand, was having none of it, he already had planned the party for us and paid quite the amount for it, not to mention that the couple did fancy my presence, I di tell him the situation at home and how I thought that my son seemed a bit depressed with something to which I still remember him saying " Nair, the kids these days are all like that, it is probably some college crush of his or something, don't worry it's how they are". How badly did I want to say that, no my son is different and I think something is bothering him but then, I couldn't. I went to my son's room, it was spick clean, except for the floor where there were some scissor and papers along with a calendar and some markers and some other things. I thought that it was for the college work he was saying and told him about the chat I just had with my boss and how I wanted to stay back. He just looked at me for a while and suddenly started laughing "You over think a lot dad, I'm absolutely fine. Go have fun, you don't need to stay back just to worry about me" he said. Well, he wasn't a 5 year old, he could very well make his own decisions now, that's what adults do. So, wifey and me got ready to leave, he was on the terrace to wave us goodbye. As I sat in the car, my phone beeped. It was a message from the college "Semester 1/3 University exam results would be uploaded to the online portal by 12 PM today as announced on the web site earlier, students are advised to view their results and inform the same to their academic advisors", it read. His college had a very good information distribution system, all announcements were sent to both the students as well as their parents. I rolled down my window and asked my son if he got the message, just to be sure. He nodded and said "doesn't really matter", Ah! That Confidence, i said to myself. I sparked off the ignition, and looked at my watch. It read ten past ten, so I had almost 20 minutes to reach the party, if I wanted to be there in time. My wife was not quite happy about the fact that we were leaving our son alone, but after he himself sat and had a chat with her just to explain that he would be ok and he would feel bad if we missed a party that good for no reason. We reached the venue in time and one could not deny that boss had not put in a lot for this occasion. My wife looked at me and teased "Then there are some people who can't even take me out to buy new jewellery, huh". In my defence She had a bought a new piece just the previous week plus I had to pay the college fee, so I had to refuse her,she did understand my point, but obviously didn't refrain herself from making a comment every now and then. My boss was really happy seeing that I did come after all, we went around and met all my pals were soon shown some imported whiskey, because of which I got some more looks from her but I really liked the cute way in which she teased me. Pretty soon the cake was brought in, a huge 5 layered cake 1 for every 10 years I guessed. The women took their seats while we men were standing at the bar, just making small talk, the imported whiskey had hit everyone by now. I even saw Mr. Verma there, drinking his mixed fruit. He had some liver problem and thus stayed away from alcohol. I went over to him and started talking, pretty soon the topic was on my son and how he was doing in college. My boss probably over herd the conversation and in his state gave a huge laugh in front of everyone he picked up the whiskey bottle and barked "Nair was gonna leave this beauty because he thought he wanted some father son time" our group laughed and someone asked where he was, I told them he had some college work. That started a lot of sudden conversations over college students and the amount of work they had to do. All of us already have had our fair share of College but Mr Singh added that the college now a days are different and because of the excessive competition the pressure and workload on children had drastically increased, to which Mr Verma added that it was this pressure and unequal judgement which led to depression and anxiety in the children now a days. I was just listening to all their opinions and trying to put in some of my own. My boss said that it is normal in this age and most of us nodded our heads, but not Mr Verma, he said that students were depressed enough to commit suicide under pressure of work or probably thinking that they are not good enough in comparison to their peers or sometimes failing and it was then that It suddenly hit me, all at once, my mind suddenly connected all the dots and I started shivering, no AC to save money, college website, no Facebook, that mood and most of all that "Doesn't really matter". Shit, I haven't ever been this blind in my life.

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Log: June 15,2017

July, 2017

These white walls stare at me, pale, blank, emotionless, quite just like everything else. I don't know what and how to feel anything anymore, the tears have long dried up on my cheeks, just like the blood stains on my shirt. My wife is sitting right next to me, I look at her beautiful face which has kajal smeared on it, can't blame her, I could have cared less about my face at a time like this. I can hear footsteps echoing around the blank walls, I can here cries, prayers and occasionally, laughter coming from different rooms but for me, it is just a moonless night. I tried to reach my coat pocket, it's a bit difficult job considering that my right hand is in a sling and the coat is hanging on the left side. I reach the letter, take it out and stare it without the guts to open and read. I think that I have done this a hundred times already taking it out, staring at it blankly just to keep it back inside, I couldn't muster up the courage to read it, probably because I didn't know what to expect, whose name would it be? Was it us? Were we not good enough? I didn't know what to think anymore. I thought that this was probably the best time to open it, considering the my wife was asleep and there was no one around to break the deafening silence. The front of the envelope had just one letter on it "Hey", I didn't know what it meant, so I proceeded to take out the letter. I opened it to find a beautifully styled writing, it said

"Hello everyone,
There are times when we go through a great lot of troubles just to emerge out as something or someone better. All the pain, the pressure makes us put ourselves to do more than what we thought we were capable of doing to make us more efficient more confident and more productive but then there is another kind of pain, it's just suffering, it doesn't make you stronger than before and is everlasting in one's heart. Over the time, I found that physical pain is much more bearable than the mental pain, and that's why you have this letter in your hand today. I don't think I can blame my state on anyone, I don't want to. It was me, just me, I wasn't good enough for this life for this world... "
I closed my eyes for a while. What in the world went so wrong? This child was the school head boy and now calls himself a failure, I continued reading "Everytime I thought that I could be something, do something my marks, my performance proved otherwise so I gradually stopped trying. I didn't even know what was I expecting when I chose engineering, I guess I went with the crowd this time not to mention that I didn't know any better. They always tell me that time is short, to prove oneself they have to do something or become someone while in college and look at me, sitting here like a pile of useless junk, just a burden on everyone.
I'm sorry mom & dad , I was just a failure, I don't blame it on you, I can never. You always gave me the best if everything might it be education or books I even remember that the first AC in our house, was for my room and I'm so in debt to you for all of this. I know that you never wanted anything in return or expected me to be anything but happy in my life but unfortunately I couldn't even do that. So many failures, couldn't get into a very good college, didn't get selected in any teams, couldn't become something of importance there, hell, I couldn't even keep a girl I liked and then, these grades. I really thank my teachers for tolerating me all this while and my friends thank you for being my family there. All I wanna say is, I love you all and I promise that I did remember you till my last breath
~Nair"

I thought that my tear glands were already dry, but this letter proved that I could still cry just as I was wiping the tears, the door opened and the doctor came out. Before I could react, my wife was already standing in front of him and asked him how our son was. The doctor was silent but nodding, while looking at the papers he had. Even I had left my chair and was waiting for his response. He looked at me and smiled "You brought him in, in time. He had severe blood loss and we feared that he might go into coma in his state, but he didn't and is now asleep". The only other time that I was this happy was when the nurse brought him to me after my wife's two hours long surgery. That was the day I promised myself that no matter what, this child will always be happy and I will make sure of it. I could very clearly remember the incidents that happened yesterday, the moment Mr Verma saw my expression he said, I'll drive, you're drunk and might run into an accident. I didn't have the time to argue with him or tell everyone what had happened. I kept my glass and we ran to Verma's Car. I think that my wife saw me, and did come after me to see what was it, probably even she felt the same but we were long gone by that time. I didn't know what was I running to, or what was I expecting once I reached home, was I overthinking? What if he's just sitting in his room and playing games or something? But for once in my whole life, I really wanted to be wrong, to be over thinking. I looked at my watch which read five minutes to twelve, five more minutes. I was about to shout at Verma for driving slow, but he was already going at 80 on a road like this. I think, even he had the same thoughts as me. There was no traffic on the road, except for the occasional busses and autos, so we could very well maintain our speed. I thought that it was so ironic that we only think about god in the times like this, I had always been an atheist and very much to everyone's knowledge never went to a temple but today, I really hoped that there was something like god up there, someone who would be looking after my child now, because this is the time where I really need him to exist. We reached my home, and before the car could even come at rest, I was out and running. My old age was but a state of mind then and I reached the door, it was open, thank god. So I ran to his room, please be open, was all I could think of. I knocked the door and called his name, no response. Now I was afraid, I knocked again and herd a faint voice "Why are you already here? You were supposed to be in the party till two o'clock". I was relieved, but that faintness, that weak voice, I asked him to open the door, but I didn't get a response, So I asked again I just got a "It's too late dad, this life isn't worth it anymore" God Dammit! I started banging on the door, got on my knees and looked inside through the small gap under the door, I couldn't see much just the sole of his shoes and a faint red glow. I stood up, and slammed against the door it didn't budge, I cried again and asked him to open the door, no response, this was probably a parent's worst nightmare, my own child dying right in front of me and I stand here, helpless. I slammed the door again, harder this time, I was sobbing already, slammed again, even harder and moaned in pain as my right shoulder got dislocated bloody wooden door didn't seem to budge at all. I turned around and started doing the same from my left side, to no aid. I was exhausted, I was crying my body collapsed and I was on the floor, my back on the wall staring at the blank hallway where Verma was standing he wasn't drunk so he knew that the door wouldn't bulge no matter what and there wasn't time to call for any help,. I don't know what came to my mind suddenly and I started speaking to my son, "See, I don't know why you are doing this and what wass it that we couldn't do for you, but no matter what it is, I promise it's not worth your life. Son, think about a time, 20 years from now, you standing on a beach with your wife and children besides you and look back to this day, to this cause all of what is making you do whatever you are doing, does any of this matter then, please tell me. Would you be able to remember the cause then, would any thing or anyone matter once you reach there". Everything was silent for a moment, my tears didn't stop and Verma was looking with unknown emotions in his eyes, then suddenly, I herd a chair move and two bolts clicked, I don't even know the emotions I had when the door opened I saw his face, pale as a snow rabbit, his slit wrists which had multiple cuts and a pool of blood behind him, his eyes went teary seeing me like that and he just said "Please, help me". Before I could even move or say a word, Verma had already found and brought the first aid kept in the room next to his, we took out cloth to keep pressure on the wounds and wrapped it up. I and Verma carried him to the car, the bleeding had stopped because of the cloth, but he was pale, and losing consciousness. I was sitting next to him as we drove to the hospital, I didn't ask him anything but I was just telling how much we loved him and how proud we were that we had a son like him. I wanted to keep him awake, not go into shock and I was doing all I could, he smiled at me, said "thank you, dad" took out a letter from his pocket and gave it to me. I knew what it was, but I didn't open it and kept it in my pocket. The hospital was thankfully nearby and they didn't waste a second in taking him to the ICU. I told them that he had a A+ blood type and the blood bank was raided and about 5 packs of blood brought to the ICU. The nurses asked me to stay out and wait. Verma had already called Singh and had asked him to bring my wife here, but not to tell her what had happened yet. I knew I had to do that and had to face her. By that time one of the nurses came along and put a sling on my hand. I knew that it was Verma's doing, I could just look at him and be thankful to have him as a friend. This was one debt I could never repay. He just nodded back and we sat there, waiting my wife arrived no sooner. Her face was already messed up and she couldn't speak a word but her eyes said everything. I told her that he will be ok, I didn't know that myself to be honest but I couldn't let her into so much pain. The whole party arrived soon, no one said anything, or asked any questions I think my face and my state answered all their doubts. They just waited there with us for a while and soon disbanded to get anything required. My boss too was there very soon with his wife, I saw them and apologised for ruining their party. My boss looked at me in disbelief and said "And here I thought that you might kill me for not listening to you. We can have a hundred more parties but only one son". I was a bit touched by his sentiments and he stood with me for a while before going off. People helped us out a lot then, the forms were filled, any required fee paid, they brought us the prescribed medicines and the ladies stood there consoling my wife that all will be ok. It was basically severe blood loss, which can lead to shock and ultimately coma. I didn't know what was happening in there, all I could do was wait and hope. When the doctor came out for the first time yesterday, the whole flock gathered around him to know the status, he told us that they didn't know what to expect because of the excessive blood loss, but could only wait and try to keep his condition stable. By night everyone had left, we did go inside once to see his unconscious body plugged in with pipes and wrapped in bandages. People took their leave as night approached, Verma was the last one to go, he asked me to call if we did need anything, so did everyone else. I couldn't sleep that night, the nurse advised me that I should, considering my own body condition but I just couldn't. It was already 2 in the night and my wife had just caught an eye when the doctor came out after a check up interval. We went inside to see him, he seemed to be sleeping peacefully and the colours had returned to his face. My wife hugged me very tight but none of us made a sound lest he gets disturbed. We sat there the whole night, he opened his eyes with the first light. We didn't say anything for a while, just looked at each other, glad to have each other at this time. I had already informed the people at my office that he was stable now, so they came as soon as they could. Thankfully none of them said anything except asking about his health. I knew the child was very much aware of how much we had gone through in the previous hours. As for me, I was just happy to have my family with me.

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Log: Epilogue

July, 2017

People kept on bringing fruits and cards to the hospital and my son seemed very touched we did talk to each other and refrained from mentioning about what had happened. My hand was still in a sling as we brought him home after a 3 days in hospital. The doctor asked me to take good care of him and try not to stress him about anything. We did see his marks, he passed all subjects except Maths, to be honest, even I didn't clear college maths in my first attempt. Within 3 more days, he was going out with me for golf and started playing in a few more days. His bandages had been removed but the scars were not something that would leave his wrists. I would shiver whenever I saw them. We completed all the 18 holes together that day, and were returning to have our drinks as he started rubbing his wrists, I looked at him and asked if everything was ok he looked back at me, smiled and said "I don't know what was I thinking, I thought that even if I did survive after all that, you people will have a very bad opinion about me but the way everyone came over to meet and their concerns about me seemed genuine... I just wanted to say thanks to you, for everything not just saving me but also making me who I am, and who I might become. I will keep these scars as a reminder of how many people are concerned about me and that they just want me to be happy." I was a bit teary because of these words but I won't cry in front of my son now, would I so I just said "Hey we're always there for you, ok? No matter what it is, and how bad it might be, share it with us". He looked at me and smiled. "Just another thing, I happened to read about this girl in your letter, care to tell something about her?" He smiled shyly and said "Yeah, there was this girl, Keeria, I kinda liked her but stupid things happened and we broke up. She ended up with my bestie". I looked at him for a while and remembered my college days "Keeria? Is that even a name? Find a better girl dude, at least with a pronounceable name" We laughed at it for a while and then headed home..

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December Ki Raat

December, 2017

December ki raat, platform pe
Ye thandi hawa, aur mera garam dhoa
Meri aankhe hai vyast, ye cigarette ka kash
Har saas me hai ye, har cheez me hai ye ab

Ab man nahi hota iska, pyaas lagti hai
Ise chodne ki ab na koi, bhadaas lagti hai.
Ek buzurg aaye, meri aur
Maine sabki tarah, unhe andekha kar diya
Magar wo, Wo aaye mere pass
Aur badi shiddat se pucha
Shakkar hogi aape pass?

Maine ek aur kash liya, aur unhe dekha
Mujhe nai samaj aaya ye unhone kya bola, 'Shakkar?', maine pucha
'Ha beta, shakkar, diabetics hai hame,
Shakkar khane ka man hai.'
Me hansa, 'baba, diabetes hai,
Shakkar khaoge, mar jaoge!' Is bar, wo hase
'Beta, cigarette kaun phukta hai, jeene ke liye?'

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Smoke in my Veins

November, 2017

Watch it dance-the world's heaving turning,
Instants pass and answer all life's yearning,
Count it up-the sands flying through the glass.
Slurp life down, let its pickle end your fast.
Chemicals courses and satisfaction slowly fades...
Flesh enlists in ecstasy as bliss plough your veins,
And doom spreads its wares on your life's cracked remains.

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